Carolina returns; Angels and Devils to Dance

Carolina returns; Angels and Devils to Dance

Welcome back.

The doors will reopen at the Legendary Roy Wilkins Auditorium for season 6 of Saint Paul's own Minnesota RollerGirls. If you've been following us over the summer, you'll know that the MNRG all-stars have been upping their game, travelling all over this nation to take on and take out our sister leagues. On the way, we've visited Michigan, Philadelphia, and even returned to Austin, where our dreams of our league began over five years ago. And to start this season off, we're bringing to you the first team that ever played the MNRG at the Roy Wilkins Auditorium...the fearsome, fantastic, phenomenal Carolina All-Stars.

Carolina came to the Roy four seasons ago in November of 2005 to throw down against a very young MNRG squad - and we made history by scoring the highest cumulative number of points ever in a full bout of roller derby. That record - a combined score of 410 points - was finally broken only five months ago when Texas demolished Oklahoma 451 to 8. Our bout against Carolina was much closer; when the dust settled, we had beaten Carolina's All-Stars 237-173. Two months later, we would travel to Carolina and be beaten in a much closer rematch - we fell to them 136-126. So to say there's a history between our two teams...well, that's sort of understating it.

With that history in mind, consider how our teams now stand. Minnesota just put on an amazing tournament - the Brawl of America was remarkable and we thank all of you that came out to see us and the nine teams that also competed. Put simply, our All-Stars did not have a great weekend. We fell to the North Central champion Windy City Rollers; we also lost a close one to our sister league across the river, the North Star Roller Girls, but we did defeat Michigan's Grand Raggidy Roller Girls. We placed ninth at the Brawl, and according to WFTDA's Q2 rankings, we are sixth in our region. That puts us in about the center of the pack in the North Central.

Carolina, on the other hand, is currently ranked fourth and came in fifth at their own tournament in the East Region. Right now, the East is arguably the strongest of the four regions; Gotham, Philly, Boston, and Charm City (remember them?) all play there - and Carolina plays them regularly and has won some of those matches. With the exception of our bout against Windy City at the Brawl, Carolina represents the biggest team that we have ever faced on Roy concrete. We will have our hands full.

The rosters:

MNRG All-Stars

Coochie Coup
Harmony Killerbruise
Honeydew Felon
Jax Kvaas (Frau Scientits of the Rockits)
L'exi Cuter
Misfit Maiden
Mitzi Massacre (co-captain)
Psycho Novia
Scarmen Hellectra
Suzie Smashbox (co-captain)
Sweet Justice
Tiki Torture
Venus Thightrap
Vuedoo Prodigy

Carolina All-Stars

Kitty Crowbar
DVS
Daisy Rage
MC Fyte
Holly Wanna Crackya
Deviled Legs
Celia Fate
Pinkslip
Roxxy Slide
Bianca O'Blivion
Shirley Temper
Elka Meano
Princess America
Maddat U

You'll notice a couple of very fresh faces; Psycho Novia and L'Exi-cuter were rookies last year, but we'll likely be seeing them putting on the jammer star and taking on Carolina's staff next to Suzie Smashbox, Mitzi Massacre, and Harmony Killerbruise. If the rosters for the Brawl and our Houston match are to be understood as the new norm, we may also be seeing Sweet Justice (co-captain for the Dagger Dolls) Misfit Maiden (Bombshell co-captain), and even back blocker extraordinaire Honeydew Felon take a turn at the jammer line.

In the pack, there's the usual wall of Rockit defense (Scarmen, Coochie Coup, Vuedoo, Honeydew, and Jax), but Carolina will see our players that wear orange, green, and pink as well. Tiki Torture is being called on to bring her fast, precise sweeping, while Venus Thightrap gets her first call in the home season to represent MNRG as an all-star. Watch for her near the front of the pack. Meantime, watch for her Bombshell teammates Mitzi, Misfit, and L'exi as front blockers. The MNRG has a habit of creating three-deep phalanxes that work in formation to entrap their prey, and the players will need to make those formations as sturdy as they can.

The Carolina defense also plays the wall game; their pack likes playing with a buddy (two walls, front and back) and when a defender is lost, they can be slow to sew up that hole. On the other hand, they're calm under pressure and don't often lose track of the location of the pack when a front blocker heads out to cut off the jammer before they start sprinting. As to that jamming, Carolina is bringing two of their best to Saturday's match - Holly Wanna Crackya and Princess America. Now, the Princess is a very skilled jammer who consistently puts great numbers up; Holly has a remarkable facility to accelerate through half the pack, pop her head up, work out a brand new line, and shoot through the remainder of the defenders. It's going to a lot of fun to see our tremendous blocking line take on such talented players.

If you want to watch for signs that Minnesota is doing well against Carolina, here are a few things to watch for (other than the score, of course):

1) Minnesota staying out of the penalty box. We've had many problems this summer with our players heading to the box at exactly the wrong time. There are a number of ways that our team can work through foul trouble as long as the overall number is low. If two or three of our players head to the box every jam, we're going to have difficulty putting up enough defense to stop Carolina's best.
2) Communication. Watch for our women in blue pointing, yelling, and using anything this side of semaphore flags to let each other know what's going on around them.
3) A few stuffs by our blockers in the first few jams. If we can find ways early to stop their jammers' movement through the pack (even if they don't have to pick themselves off the ground), it's a good indication that we've got their number.

We would love to see every face out there painted in MNRG blue, every torso beclad in All-star colors, all holding signs and cheering like the force of nature that you MNRG fans are during the home season. These players are some of the very best we've seen at the Roy, and we want every edge we can get to take on this team...including the homecourt advantage that you bring us every month.

One last note: this may very well be the last bout for All-Star Harmony Killerbruise; Harmony is heading west to Washington this fall. If you have an opportunity, stop her and thank her for her years at the pivot and jammer line for the Rockits and the All-Stars.

Angels v Devils:

It's our second year of experimenting with theme bouts. We enjoyed putting on last year's 'Disco v Punk' and 'Pirates v Zombies' bouts so much that we decided to do it again this year. This first bout will bring out the best and the worst of our skaters as the Angelic Hosts take on the Denizens from the Depths of the Grave.



The rosters:

Angels:

AliSin Chains (rookie)
Cassie Rolle (rookie)
DamnzelSly (rookie)
Killaman Jaro (rookie)
Little Tornado (rookie)
Ova Achieva (rookie)
Rollercat (rookie - reserves last year)
Stacy Wreckt (rookie)
Abbie Mischief
Anita Spankston
Candi Pain
Flora Flipabitch
Gogo Galore
Hell N Ready
MeshugEnough
Optimiss Crime
Pain Gretzky
Rita Rawkus
Shady O'Dread
Sinaminn
Sparkle Ninja
Tara Skatesov (captain)
Trinity Knox
Bonnie Rotten (inactive)
Eve L Hazard (inactive)
Rolls Wilder (inactive)

Devils:

BOOMbay Safire (rookie)
Cookies 'n Scream (rookie)
Double D.Fense (rookie)
IcePack (rookie - reserves last year)
Konceal N' Kari (rookie)
Madame de Stompadour (rookie)
Norwegian Mafia (rookie)
Patently Offensive (rookie)
Wanda Wreckonwith (rookie - reserves last year)
Barbie Brawl
Demora Liza
Diamond Rough
DieAnn Isis
Mae Gusta (co-captain)
Norah Torious (co-captain)
Punishmint Patty
Rizzo
Rumblebee
Shiv & Let Die
Shiver Me Kimbers
Supersonik!
Trixxie Whipsum
Betty Bruiser (inactive)
Lydia Punch (inactive)
Velvet Hammer (inactive)

It's very difficult to handicap these matches. Many players from the past, present, and future of MNRG get involved - for now, notice the new set of rookies that we've brought on this year (and check out the updates to the MNRG website to find out a bit more about them).

Enough has been written, folks. We'll have recaps a couple of days after, but they're nothing like that feeling of opening day, screaming your lungs out with mini donuts and PBR in hand. See you this weekend!

THE SEASON IS ON.

Writing for the MNRG,
-Garrison Killer

The Fourth Eskate will return shortly.

Note to the few who have this on their feed; the Brawl of America will be providing coverage complementary to the fine folks at the DNN throughout the Brawl. More details are coming. It's likely that we will be using this blog for posting reports and interviews.

I almost hate to say it, but...keep it tuned here in the weeks to come.

Best,

-gk

Season six farewells

Before the sixth season begins in earnest for the Minnesota RollerGirls, we want to acknowledge several players who will not be playing next year. You'll still see these players in the stands as they cheer on their teammates; join us in wishing them the best!

Going to Class C (eligible to play and work on league business, but not an active player):

Dagger Dolls:

• Lydia Punch
• Roxanne Rolls
• Rebel Stella
• Fixie Chic
• Mary Tyler Roar
• Kim Jong Kill

Atomic Bombshells:

• CleoSPLATra
• Eve L Hazard

Garda Belts:

• Demora Liza
• Cupcake
• Ann E Briated
• Lil' Hellion

Retiring from the MNRG:

Rockits:

• Jawbreaker

Much more news coming; upcoming bouts are being planned, the Brawl of America is only two months away, and the sixth season begins in October. See you soon at the Roy!

MNRG Spring 2009 Update

MNRG Spring 2009 Update

Seven weeks have passed since the Rockits retained their championship against the Garda Belts...and so with the fifth season over and done with, the women of the Minnesota RollerGirls have traded their colors for MNRG blue.  

What?  You thought there was an off-season?  Well, we've news for you; results from the Fifth Annual Wheelies, scores from the MNRG all-star games, rumors of players retiring, and a quick report from a trip that the three Twin Cities leagues took to Duluth to support the newly-minted Harbor City Roller Dames.

The Minnesota RollerGirls has been playing for five years.  Every year, the players, the fans, and the staff choose the best of the best; those players are recognized in a closed-door ceremony in May that we call the Wheelies.  And fans of the MNRG, I can report that the winners of the 2008-9 Wheelies are:

ALL-LEAGUE AWARDS 

(as voted upon by the players)

Most Valuable Minnesota RollerGirl:  Suzie Smashbox

Rookie of the Year:   Psycho Novia

Purple Heart: Savage Animal (in the championship bout, Savage Animal broke her leg in three places and is now on the road to recovery)
Most Improved RollerGirl: Diamond Rough
Hardest Hitter: Vuedoo Prodigy
Speed Demon: Roxanne Rolls
Best Attitude: Angelfire
Takes a Licking and Keeps on Ticking: (tie) Vuedoo Prodigy and Abbie
Mischief

PBR's RollerGirl of Honor: (tie) Ann E Briated and Scootaloo

The Towelie:     Ice Pack
Most Charitable:   Ursula Von Doom
Volunteer Lover:    Suzie Smashbox

Head Trauma Legacy Award: Flora Flipabitch

The Golden Supporter:    Daisy Dukes It Out (volunteer of the year)

FAN AWARDS

Favorite Jammer:    Suzie Smashbox
Favorite Pivot/Blocker:   Vuedoo Prodigy
Favorite Rookie:    Jocelyn D'Jewels

The Lappy:     Suzie Smashbox (RollerGirl you'd most like to fall in your lap)

TEAM AWARDS

Atomic Bombshells

Rookie of the Year: Diamond Rough
Team Spirit: Mitzi Massacre
Team MVP: Misfit Maiden

Dagger Dolls
Rookie of the Year: Psycho Novia
Team Spirit: Lydia Punch
Team MVP: Sparkle Ninja

Garda Belts
Rookie of the Year: Anita Spankston
Team Spirit: Citizen Pain
Team MVP: Suzie Smashbox

Rockits 
Rookie of the Year: Trinity Knox
Team Spirit: Frau Scientits
Team MVP: Harmony Killerbruise

MNRG Reserves (The reserves are made up of veterans ready to be redrafted to teams as well as RollerGirls who have not yet been recruited by a league team.)

Most Improved Reserve: Ice Pack

Best Spirit - Reserve: Ursula Von Doom  

REFEREE AWARDS 

(voted on by the Leagues' referees)

Sugar and Spice Award: Citizen Pain
Not So Nice Award: Sparkle Ninja

STAT AWARDS 

(presented by the staff based off of recorded statistics)

Best Pivot: Citizen Pain
Best Blocker: Honeydew Felon
Best Assister: Vuedoo Prodigy
Best Jammer: Jawbreaker

BEST ATTENDANCE (all players must meet minimum practice attendance requirements to play.  These players went above and beyond.)

Best Attendance - Atomic Bombshells:  Mitzi Massacre
Best Attendance - Garda Belts:  Citizen Pain
Best Attendance - Dagger Dolls:  Psycho Novia
Best Attendance - Rockits:  Dudezilla
Best Attendance - Reserves: Ice Pack

FIVE YEARS OF DERBY (These players and volunteers have been with us since the very beginning.)
Barbie Brawl
Candi Pain
Cupcake
Glam Slam
Flora Flipabitch
Hanna Belle Lector
Jawbreaker
Lil Hellion
Lizzy the Axe
Lydia Punch
Mitzi Massacre
Norah Torious
Rebel Stella
Roxanne Rolls
Scotty Cruz
Wet Spot

---

Now, you may think that the Wheelies have been the only thing happening.  Fans, let me give you the lowdown:

• The MNRG - represented by Frau Scientits , Mitzi Massacre , Honeydew Felon , and Diamond Rough  - showed up for a special Saint Paul 'Drinking With Ian ' taping on the 18th of April to talk a little derby.  Watch for the episode on local Twin Cities televison...we'll keep you posted on broadcast dates.  Diamond Rough's shoulder-blocking + Most Dangerous television host in the 612 = goodness.  Thanks to Ian and the MNRG players and staff (Optimiss Crime, Brash, and Apron) who made this one happen.
• The MNRG All-Stars played their first away game of the 2009 season against Grand Raggidy Roller Girls of Grand Rapids, MI on April 25th.  We beat our sister league 86-76 after a rather larger halftime lead of 37-8.  According to players on the All-Star staff, the MNRG played a game based off of an evil 3-wide wall defense in the first half.  Full credit to the Grand Raggidy players; they worked their way around the defense in the final thirty minutes as we fell into foul trouble...but we bounced back and took out the Michigan team for the final.  The Derby News Network posted a damn fine bout recap of the match by our friend Rusty Wheeler.
• The Minnesota RollerGirls are part of the first wave of the resurrection of roller derby in the United States. As the years have gone by, we've sent our players to help out burgeoning leagues get a taste of competitive derby.  Our All-Stars took a road trip on May 9th to Des Moines to play against the Mid-Iowa Rollers on their home turf.  At the half, we were ahead 131-8; we ended up blowing them out, but not without some injuries; All-Star and Garda Belt Angelfire ended up with another setback in her quest to return full-time to the Roy's track; we wish her a speedy recovery.  Get well soon, dammit.
• Players, staff, and fans from the Minnesota RollerGirls, the North Star Roller Girls  of Minneapolis, and the Twin Cities Terrors  (Minnesota's only male derby league) all took the short drive north to Duluth to support our sister league, the Harbor City Roller Dames over Memorial Day weekend.  Fans, it was an utter blast.  The TC Terrors put on a forty-minute bout, and damn, did they delivered.  Watch in this coming season for the opportunity to see jammers like Whiplash, G.I. Skooldya, Wet Spot, and Peter take on the might of Husker Stu, Slam Serif, Wernher von Bombed, and the Man-Beast called 'Killsbury Doughboy;' our MNRG All-stars have been talking a lot about their scrimmages with this team of talented men and their few opportunities to show off their talent at the Roy doesn't even come close to telling the story of the Terrors.  But the main event?  Sixty minutes of derby from some of the best in the state.  Almost half of the Bombshells as well as representatives from all of our teams showed for this match.  Add to that some amazing play from the women of Harbor City (particularly Slapshot, who I'd pay money to draft to the Dolls) and a great showcase of talent from the North Stars (Kili St Cyr?  Betty LaRude?  Katarina Hit?  Damn.), and it added up to a fantastic time in Minnesota's Northlands.  We want to thank HCRD for having us up; the bout and afterparty was a great time to kick back and enjoy some damn fun derby.  Also, Atomic Bombshells fans will have missed a great opportunity to see some of their players - Mae Gusta, L'Exi-Cuter, Mitzi Massacre, Diamond Rough, Supersonik, Hell N Ready, Chinese Takeout - play against one another.  Try finding the pictures of Diamond sending a player flying through the air on a rough ride.  I assure you that it'll be worth the Googling.
• There's change in the air.  As of the Wheelies, a sizable number of RollerGirls are hanging up their skates or are stepping back to let new players take their spot.  This next year will see a new draft; who will be next year's rookies of the year?  It could be you. Check out the new 'recruitment' video on YouTube for the hell of it, but if you're seriously brave and damn gutsy enough to want join the MN RollerGirls, show up for tryouts on the 14th of June at 2pm at the Roy Wilkins Auditorium.  It'll be four hours of hell that could change your life forever.

Watch for more updates as the summer progresses; the MNRG is working very hard on the North Central Regional tournament; we think it's going to be just about the best tournament that you've ever been to...and we want you there to enjoy it.  Tickets are just about to go on sale.

Wondering how you missed some of the fun?  As always, the MN RollerGirls website is the first place to go for an event, but you can also keep track of @MNRG on Twitter and the MNRG (and MNRG Fan Club) on Facebook for the very latest news.

Writing from the exact center of roller derby in America today,

-Garrison Killer

Everyone gone? Just you and me? [Not for publication, Soy]

Whew.  All right, folks.  Those of you who actually check this site for the early version of most of my articles (I think there's about a dozen or so of you), thank you so much for reading and saying hello at the bouts.

And I realize that it's a little weird...but I want to say a few thank-yous, if you'll allow me.

To those on the teams and the volunteer staff who've fed me useful information, I surely owe you a drink.  Soy, Frau, Scarmen, MTR, Diamond, Citizen, 'Hertz, Apron, Umpire, hell, anybody who's grabbed the guy in the brown suit and told him things...thank you. Everything that you tell me about what I'm seeing makes it just that much easier.  

Flip...sweet mercy, man.  For those of you who don't know Our Man Flip, Flip joined the stats table last year after accumulating a remarkable amount of information on Season Four that resulted in a brilliant statistical analysis for the season championship.  We got him working for us and he's been dropping off stat sheets in my mailbox after every bout to make sure I get things right.  All the mistakes are mine, not his.  Thank you, sir.

And oh yes...I have an editor.  Every bit of thanks to my Bombshell-lovin' missus, Sherry...she gets first crack at the recaps and usually calls me out on something that just doesn't parse about five times a writeup.  If you like the way I write, thank her for any consistency that I show.

Finally...Mitzi Massacre, if you're reading, thanks for giving me the job.  I'm not sure you quite intended so much writing from me, but it's been fun.  

If you don't see me sooner, you get the dubious honor of watching me running around at the Brawl, when I'll be taking a break from writing 2000+ word diatribes on MNRG and running...ummm...the live blog and Twitter feed.  And writing the BoA website.

Ok, so I'm not really taking a break.  

Take care, all.

-Garrison

By the bye, if anyone has a line on cheap Black and Red flame 'Vogs...well, I'm working on a new outfit for next year.  Yes, I know cheap 'Vogs are basically an oxymoron.  But hey, it's worth a shot.  Let me know. -gk

Rockits Repeat! Rockits Repeat!

For a year, the Golden Skate has stood proudly in the Rockit clubhouse (somewhere, it is rumored, deep in a bunker beneath Roy Wilkins Auditorium); a testament to the hard work of recovering it from the Atomic Bombshells in 2008.  With the new year, the Rockits have found themselves defending against the Garda Belts; those who would end the hard-fought Rockit streak and take the Skate for themselves.  Saturday brought the Battle of the Broads; the moment where it would all go down.  Fans came out in droves to see the match...as well as to see the Dagger Dolls take on the young, brash Atomic Bombshells.  With two matches, four teams, and one Golden Skate to award, the doors opened early, and the fifth annual season championship bout got underway.

After a quad rugby ("Murderball" for the initiated) exhibition, fans got to their feet for the initial consolation match.  The Atomic Bombshells and Dagger Dolls were introduced together in a dance-off to Michael Jackson's "Beat It."  Dagger Doll Mary Tyler Roar and Atomic Bombshell Venus Thightrap started the match off; Mary gained the first lead, slicing just past Chinese Takeout and Diamond Rough to score four points while Doll blockers Wonderbroad and Gogo Galore kept her opponent contained.  L'Exi-Cuter got sent to the box in the next jam as Psycho Novia - looking less and less like a rookie every match - rode the outside of the pack for four points, then called off the jam to trap L'Exi. 8-0 Dagger Dolls.

Doll jammer Roxanne Rolls stepped to the line unopposed and picked up the lead - but deft blocking sent her to the back of the pack before she could start her scoring run.  Meanwhile, L'Exi flew from the box and scored four.  Mitzi Massacre followed up with four points for the Bombshells while her teammates L'Exi and Takeout wall-blocked opposng jammer Sweet Justice.  Dolls took a timeout to reassess, but over the next three jams, the Atomic Bombshells scored another twelve.  The Bombshells held back the opposing jammers by using the last blocker to slow the Dolly jammer on the turns, while their teammates scrambled ahead of the jammer.  Bombshells 20 - Dagger Dolls 8 with eight minutes to go.

Mary Tyler Roar charged back, scoring a grand slam while Sweet Justice contained her opponent L'Exicuter.  Venus Thightrap took the next lead against Roxanne Rolls, but got sent to the box...giving Roxanne a power jam opportunity.  Several other Bombshells followed Venus into the box, and Roxanne sprinted through a light Bombshell pack to score a grand slam-plus.  Doll jammer Psycho Novia scored six to close the period.  Skating against Bombshell Jocelyn D'Jewels, Psycho took the lead while her teammates Lydia Punch and Sparkle Ninja repeatedly sent Jocelyn to the back of the pack.  Tearing around into the pack for a scoring run, Psycho audibled a knee-drop that took the Bombshells by surprise, shot her through the pack a second time, and back around.

At the end of the first half, the Dolls played penalty mistakes by the Bombshells to their advantage and took a firm lead in the game.  The Bombshells were playing a steady game, but each trip to the penalty box leeched their early momentum.  Dolls 28, Bombshells 21.

The Atomic Bombshells came roaring back to start the second half.  Mitzi Massacre - five year veteran and Bombshell captain - showed her team how it's done as she sped through the initial pack.  Off of some great Bombshell defensive screening, Mitzi caught her opponents napping as she passed the pack three times to score ten points and regain the lead while her opponent - Mary Tyler Roar - was sent to the box.  Stepping to the jammer line unopposed, L'Exi-Cuter took advantage of the end of the power jam off of Mary and scored seven points.  Mary couldn't catch a break and returned to the box shortly after L'Exi's first scoring run; L'Exi joined her off of an illegal back block, ending the run in a jammerless jam.  Bombshells 38-Dolls 28.  

L'Exi and Mary's trackmates Venus Thightrap and Sparkle Ninja grabbed the jammer stars from the penalty box and played the next jam out.  Sparkle took the lead, speeding past Skullateral Damage in the front, with Venus just behind her.  Sparkle got taken out in the back of the pack and could not call off the jam before Venus snuck through the inside for four.  In the next jam, Roxanne Rolls broke past L'Exi-Cuter's blocking and charged through to get the lead; just as she scored four points, Mary Tyler Roar went down, favoring her knee.  The Dolls called for the jam to end, and attendants brought MTR gingerly to the back (for those concerned, Mary suffered a strained ligament.  Play resumed with Dolly blocker extraordinaire Wonderbroad facing off against Bombshell rookie Tara Skatesov at the jammer line.  On her very first jam of the season, Tara tore through the Doll pack like depleted uranium through a paper bag; despite several Dols earning penalties in their attempts to stop Tara (as well as Wonderbroad), the Bombshell scored a double slam.  The Dolls called a timeout; with eleven minutes left in the season, the Dolls were behind 52-32.

Continuing the Bombshell penchant for diversity at the jammer line, Calamity Crush got called up next to jam aganst Sparkle Ninja.  Calamity burst past Sparkle and a very small pack (the penalties were flying at this point of the bout) to take the lead while Sparkle got called to the box for an illegal push.  With Calamity's captain - Misfit Maiden - throwing interference at every opportunity, Calamity scored a second consecutive double slam for the women in orange.  Bombshell CleoSPLATra took to the line as Sparkle Ninja continued to sit in the box.  Cleo did not get the lead, but scored three before Sparkle burst out of the box to become lead jammer and called off the jam.  

With only eight minutes left to play, every jam counted; the ease with which the Dolls scored points at the end of the first half had evaporated, and it seemed even dumb luck was beginning to fail them; Scootaloo broke through to take the lead for the Dollys for four points, only to be stopped by a toe-stop on the track.  End of jam.  Sparkle Ninja and Venus Thightrap each scored four in the next jam, but Sparkle got sent to the box again as the jam concluded.  With a full minute of power jam opportunity, the Bombshells sent L'Exi-Cuter to the line.  The Dolls could not stop the notorious L'Exi-Cuter as Misfit Maiden and Diamond Rough opened up the road for their jammer to score ten unanswered points.  Roxanne Rolls returned with a blinding double slam of her own, but the final whistle blew, giving the Bombshells their second victory of the year.  Final score: Atomic Bombshells 79 - Dagger Dolls 50.

The Bombshells scored four double slams in the second half, each time off of a power jam.  Between the time it takes to start a new jam (about twenty seconds a jam) and the time spent in the penalty box by the Doll jammers, the Dolls only had about eight minutes of time to score points.  But while the Atomic Bombshells won the previous bout by holding on to the end, the women in orange squeezed advantage from every moment that they could to pull more points from the match.  The Atomic Bombshells are back in an all-new form.  Other teams had best beware.

Season Championship: Rockits v Garda Belts

For those unable to join us at the Roy on Saturday night, the audience clearly showed their allegiances as the season championship bout.  Banners waved as fans came in their team's colors, and owing to the Rockits' dominance in the league, many from the Dolls and the Bombshells donned green.  Garda Belt shirts ran low at the merch booth, and the crowd exploded with the sound of the Garda bagpipe anthem.  And yet, that same crowd cheered on the Rockits moments later as they came to the track.  Sides were drawn on Saturday, but every knew that it would last only until a team raised that Golden Skate.

The Rockits had lost Dudezilla, co-captain and jammer, to a cruciate ligament tear in March.  Meanwhile, the Garda roster added another face to fans of previous seasons; after a lengthy shoulder rehab, the green speedster Angelfire returned to the Garda Belts along with Bombshell loan Lizzy the Axe.  So, with a slight change in lineup, the two teams hit the track for their final forty minutes of the season.

Captains of their respective teams, Garda Suzie Smashbox and Rockit Harmony Killerbruise, took to the line for the initial jam.  Suzie shot past the Rockit pack and took lead with Harmony breaking out a half-lap later.  Suzie scored four as both Scarmen Hellectra and Jawbreaker were sent to the penalty box.  Substituting for Jawbreaker, Rockit Soylent Mean jammed against Angelfire.  Again, the Gardas took the lead; this time, Soylent escaped the pack simultaneously and held Angelfire back from accelerating, forcing Angel to call off the jam.  Harmony returned to the line against Lizzy the Axe; Harmony took the lead and scored three points as Soylent Mean and Rockit badass Vuedoo Prodigy laid into Lizzy in the back of the pack.  Suzie became lead in the following jam, but called it off as Jawbreaker charged from behind her.  With five minutes spent, the Gardas had taken the lead with a very, very low four points to the Rockits' three.

Play screeched to a halt in the following jam as Garda Belt blocker Savage Animal fell and stayed down.  Players dropped to a knee, and long minutes passed as our EMTs took care of Savage, finally carted her off in a wheelchair.  As of this writing, Savage Animal is recovering from surgery for multiple broken bones and is resting comfortably.  We wish Savage, Dudezilla, and Mary speedy recoveries; if you want to send along your best wishes, e-mail info@mnrollergirls.com.

Lizzy the Axe squared off against Jawbreaker as the game began anew, with Jawbreaker starting well behind the jammer line.  'Breaker timed a rolling start perfectly and flew past Lizzy, gliding through the inside of the back corner to claim the lead. 'Breaker's teammate Vuedoo Prodigy swept up Lizzy and put her in the back of the pack while Jawbreaker scored three.  Angelfire tried her luck against Harmony Killerbruise, but Soylent Mean and Honeydew Felon isolated the Garda Belt jammer from her teammates.  Meanwhile, Harmony squeaked through the Garda defense as Trinity Knox ran interference on Garda sweeper Tiki Torture and scored.  The Gardas called a timeout; they had not scored since the very first jam and Rockits had suddenly gone ahead.  Jawbreaker increased the lead by four in the next jam, Rockits 20 - Gardas 4.  

For the next two jams, the score stayed the same as the Garda Belt jammer broke ahead, but the Rockits either called off the jam or booty-blocked the jam into meaninglessness.  The following jam, Honeydew Felon once again contained Angelfire in the pack as Harmony Killerbruise ran wild, scoring eight points.  Scrambled by the Rockits' defense, Lizzy the Axe also spent the bulk of the next jam picking herself up in the back as the Rockit walls continued to stymie the Garda Belts.  Having taken enough, Lizzy threw an illegal hit on Jawbreaker and got sent to Battering Gram's Kitchen for her troubles.  Meanwhile, Jawbreaker took the power jam opportunity to score a double slam; Rockits 38-4 at halftime.

The Rockits dominated the first half. The Garda jammers kept running into Scarmen Hellectra (or as Eve L Hazard once put it, the "telescoping ass of Scarmen Hellectra, focused on the jammers' every move"), or the stiff work of Rizzo, Frau Scientits and Killahertz, or the back-blocking of Meshugenough and Trinity Knox. Their offense had no clear route to the front of the pack.  However, the Gardas weren't making it easy for the Rockits.  The red jammers got stopped in their tracks up front where Citizen Pain and Hanna Belle Lector lurked, while Tiki Torture and Optimiss Crime provided both hits and lane clearances for their jammers.  Despite that, the Gardas desperately needed to start scoring.

But if the Gardas needed points, the Rockits wanted to end any hope of comeback immediately.  The second half began with Harmony on the line and Lizzy the Axe waiting out the remainder of her penalty.  Rumblebee came to the front line and stepped over it as the whistle blew to get sent to the penalty box, clearing her of minor penalties when she would return as a jammer.  But with both Rumblebee and Lizzy down with penalties, Harmony ran roughshod.  The Rockits slowed as their jammer engaged the Gardas at the front.  With the bulk of the pack so far behind, the Rockits forced Gardas Tiki Torture and Citizen Pain to stop their chase.  The Rockits repeated the slowdown to send Harmony through her first scoring pass and Harmony just kept piling on the points, scoring fourteen the first jam. Rockits 52-4.

The next three jams were all jammer speed with the Rockits in control.  With over forty points between the teams, Jawbreaker and Harmony took the lead and sapped precious time away from the Gardas, scoring five unanswered points in the process.  Garda Belt Rumblebee took on Harmony next and finally put points up... but Harmony scored even more.  The referees sent much of Rumblebee's defensive line out on elbowing penalties and illegal contact from behind, so Harmony scored another fourteen point jam by slicing chunks out of the remainder of the Garda pack.  Rockits 71 - Gardas 8.

The Gardas began a brief rally as Suzie Smashbox jinked past Honeydew Felon in the next jam, took the lead, and scored four points while Citizen Pain stopped her opponent Jawbreaker.  Both scored four, but the Gardas began playing their own brand of containment for the next few jams.  Rumblebee scored three despite takedowns and stiff blocking from Rockits Frau Scientits and Killahertz, while Optimiss Crime broke Harmony's concentration.  Lizzy took two as Rockits visited the penalty box, and Suzie scored nine points off of a Harmony Killerbruise-fueled power jam.  Rockits 75 - Gardas 26.  

While the Gardas scored fourteen unanswered points in three jams, the women in green could not make the turnaround they needed.  Jawbreaker answered back with an eight point jam, and though both Suzie and Lizzy would score in the final two jams, Jawbreaker - top scorer in the hometeam league - put up nine more points to bring the game to its conclusion, Rockits 92, Garda Belts 31.

There was no doubt that the Rockits would play well this season; with a returning lineup (many of whom worked with one another through the summer as part of the All-Stars) and a team with a single end in mind, they played a type of derby that has not yet been defeated in Minnesota.  With the summer break coming and many players hungry to chase after the Rockits, we will see what is in store for the four teams of the Minnesota RollerGirls in the fall.  Congratulations to the 2008-9 champions of the Minnesota RollerGirls, the Rockits!

Ladies and gentlemen, keep your eyes on the Minnesota RollerGirls website for updates from the All-Star season, results from the MNRG Wheelie awards, and all the news about the upcoming North Central Regionals...the Brawl of America!  We'll have updates on our website, Twitter (@MNRG), Facebook, Myspace, and of course our e-mail list, the Derby Dish.  We will see you at the Roy in September.

Reporting for the MNRG where all the women are strong, all the men are accessories, and all the children turn left,
-Garrison Killer

Battle of the Broads preview

As the Minnesota RollerGirls prepare for the April 11th season championship and fans prepare for their last taste of derby at the Roy for five months, it's time to take a look at the season to see what's brought us to this moment.

The hometeam season began, in fact, during the summer where our four teams sent their best to play other leagues from across the nation.  During that period, an all-star team heavy with Rockits and Garda Belts fought the best and brought home hard-won experience to share with the MNRG teams.  With that breadth of derby wisdom gained from the summer, it isn't too surprising that the Garda Belts and the Rockits have performed so well this season.  They will play on Saturday night for the MNRG's championship trophy, the Golden Skate.

The Rockits - well...what can you say?  The Rockits have played with one another for three seasons, and their system works.  Between the mobile walls created by the front four, a vigilant sweeper in the back that breaks off and hunts when a jammer comes lapping in, and methodical jams that turn into double slams when an opposing jammer goes to the box, the Red Menace hasn't been beaten for almost two full seasons.  

Their opponents, the Garda Belts, play a different game when they are at their best, and they've played that game for most of the season.  Defeating their opponents in their first three games, the Gardas are far more likely to work on opponents in the middle of the pack without backup.  This forces them to hit very hard and accurately.  In the front, the Gardas have formed wedges of one or two in front of opposing jammers scrambling to pass as they wait for Tiki Torture or another of the blockers to send the jammer out of bounds.  

And in the back?  Until last month, it was Suzie Smashbox playing at least every other jam and stealing points every moment she was out there.  However, as the season championship picture firmed up, it was clear that another Garda jammer was needed.  With the loss of Demora Liza and Angelfire in rehab, injured Atomic Bombshell Lizzy the Axe stepped up, taking on Garda Belt green to even up the sides. 

Even so, the Garda Belts must deal with the Rockits' pre-eminent jammer pair.  When playing tight, the Rockits always go to Harmony Killerbruise and Jawbreaker - #1 and #2 in scoring for the entire league.  Jawbreaker alone handed in three triple slams (fifteen point jams) in March.  The Gardas must find a way to stop them, and they will need to put jammers up against the Rockits that can smash through the Rockit wall.  Rockit fanboys and girls?  Garda Belt groupies?  Now's the time to cheer your team on.

Now, as to the players in the consolation bout:

The fifth season of the MNRG has been a pregnant pause for the Dagger Dolls.  A hard-hitting team with some remarkable jamming talent, the Dolls lost several of their players from the very start of the season...and the team has had an inconsistent roster throughout 08-09. This particularly hurt their blocking game. They've lost every game thus far, but their match in March against the Atomic Bombshells showed those glimmers of spectacular play that Doll fans love to see.  In the second half, the blocking staff suddenly gelled into a single unit of pain as Dolly veterans and rookies alike slowed, stopped, and stomped on Bombshells.  

As for those Atomic Bombshells, their trajectory has been rather different than the Dolls.  Just as in the third season when the ABS rebuilt themselves into a superteam of veterans, the fifth season Bombshells radically changed their lineup.  They drafted in rookie after rookie to build a team whose abilities will surely start to flourish next season.  The team also took on a new, egalitarian flair as many, many players got opportunities to shine on the track.  However, the downside of trying out so much that's new against other, more established teams and tactics meant that it wasn't until their March bout - against the Dolls - that the Bombshells finally won a game with the new lineup.  Using a wide assortment of competent scorers, the Bombshells built a significant lead in the first half that they were able to hold onto throughout the last twenty minutes.

And so in this final game for these two teams, will the Atomic Bombshells find a coherent strategy against the Dagger Dolls, or will they just throw the kitchen sink at them?  Can the Dolls press their blocking advantage and up their jamming threat with a full complement of scorers, or will their pack melt away as Cleo, Venus, Mae, Mitzi, Jocelyn, and L'Exi all take their turns at the jammer line?  This match could go either way and will almost certainly come down to the final few jams.

MNRG fans, you've been with us throughout this season, and we want to thank you for your dedication to our teams.  We will see you at the Roy this Saturday as we crown this year's champions!